The psychopath's ultimate goal.

When people say that all humans are good deep down inside, I kind of feel sceptical.....

Standing inside the gas station, I paid to borrow the phone, and called home.

(This was in the late 80’s and before the time of the mobile phones.)

I dialled the number on the red button phone, and as I listened to the signal, I really, really hoped that it was dad that would answer.

But it wasn’t.

It was Karen!

My heart sank.

-I am at the gas station, can you come and pick me up?

I really hated to ask her, but I had no choice.

The gas station was a good 4 miles from our house.

She was not in a good mood.

- No, I will not pick you up.

-But…

I stood there listening to her. Her words were as hard as her heart.

I tried to explain to her that if she didn’t come, I had to walk home.

It was very late and the last bus had left several hours earlier.

How was I supposed to get home?

But she had made up her mind, and nothing I said changed that.

- No I will not, and then she hung up.

I knew she would be difficult, that was why I was hoping dad would answer. He always came.

But now - what could I do?

I had no choice.

Slowly, I walked out of the gas station, preparing myself for an hour and half walk on a dark country road.

Being independent was something I had been forced to be, since I was a small child.

I often walked alone home from my friend’s house after it had become dark, on a road that went through a small forest.

I remembered I was so scared that I always ran through it as fast as I could, looking straight ahead until I was out on the other side.

There I saw the front door to our apartment on the ground floor. I continued to run, opened the door quickly and slammed it behind me.

I hadn’t even started school yet.

Now some years later, as I walked on this dark country road as a young teenager I didn’t think about the potential dangers. It was very late. I wouldn’t be home before midnight.

I hadn’t been out partying and drinking. I had been to church.

For some reason she hated that. She never ever supported me being a Christian.

Once when I asked her if she rather preferred me being drunk than go to church, she said she preferred me being drunk.

It felt like she did anything to stop me and make me give up. But I only became more determined.

I refused to let her win.

She wanted to crush me and stop me like she had done with my dad, but I was stubborn. I could not, would not, let her destroy me!

This was a problem every weekend, as I went in to the city to go to church.

I lived out on the countryside, around 20 minutes away.

It was a challenge to find a way to get home. My friends parents often picked them up so I asked if I could ride with them.

Most of them lived next to this gas station and it would be a 15 min extra for them to drive me home, and I never asked them to do that.

But If I was lucky, some of them drove me the extra 4 miles from the gas station, home to my house in the countryside.

Every time someone did, I made sure to thank them and offered money if I had.

As I walked in my own thoughts in the darkness, I could see the lights from a car in the distance. As it came closer, I recognized our car.

It slowed down and stopped next to me.

It was dad.

I felt relieved as I opened the door and jumped into the front seat.

I looked at him, and he was clearly upset.

- This is just too wrong, he said, shaking his head.

- I just couldn’t let her do this to you.

Now, my father was not the type who got very easily upset.

He never raised his voice. He was so quiet, he could walk in to a room without anyone noticing, until he stood right next to them.

So even though she had complete control over the only car we had, he managed to “steal” his own car to to pick me up.

When we arrived home, she did not apologize, and I did not expect it either. That was just something she never ever did.

I think she thought she didn’t do anything wrong…

---

Even though I can’t remember my exact age, I think I was around 15 years old.

What was the reason for her, doing this?

Certainly not love.

When I recalled this episode, I suddenly realized why I remember it so well.

She tried to crush me, and piece by piece break me down until I was completely broken on the inside.

That is a psychopaths ultimate goal.

Just like she had done with my father, who lived like a shadow of himself.

I didn’t know what a mother’s love was. But I sure knew how it was to feel completely worthless and unloved.

-Liv