She threw me out of the car and disappeared down the road.

Is it strange that all my feelings for her disappeared too?

I looked at the coin in my hand. It was my treasure.

Gunn, a long time neighbor gave it to me. I played with her daugther every now and then, and one time she gave me this coin. I was really happy when I realised it was all mine.

It was enough for a lolly. My favorite strawberry flavour lolly. Lovingly I put it back in my pocket. I wanted to keep it there until I could buy the lolly.

Later, I and Karen got into the car outside our house. I sat in the front seat. As we were ready to leave, she asked:

-What do you have in your pocket?

- A coin. Gunn gave it to me, I replied innocently.

Whe she heard that her eyes darkened. She really hated Gunn. She often became like a thundercloud when she met her. But for me, Gunn was just the smiling blond lady with lipstick and high heel shoes.

-Give it to me, she said harsly.

-No. It’s mine. She gave it to me, I protested.

I tightened the grip around the coin to protect it.

-You give that coin to me! Now she was really angry.

I was used to her yelling almost daily, but this time she was almost boiling...

-No, it’s mine!

I did’t want to let go of the coin, it was so precious, and besides, I never got any pocketmoney from Karen even though most of my friends did, which made the coin even more precious to me.

Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next…

-Out! she said in full wrath.

I just looked at her in disbelief. My eyes wide open.

-Out of the car!! She was almost screaming at me.

Slowly I opened the frontdoor to our silver Toyota and stepped out. I turned and looked at her to see if she would tell me to come in again. But she just leaned over and slammed the door shut, then looking straight ahead she drove away.

She was speeding down the road and out of sight, leaving me behind outside our locked house.

In complete shock and disbelief, I was staring at her disappearing. Then I sank down on a stone outside our house, feeling completely numb on the inside.

She just left me her. What shall I do now?

When the worst shock was over, I started walking around the neighborhood for a while, then I walked back to the house and waited outside…. for how long, I don’t remember…

_____________________________________________________________________

This happened when I was very young. I guess I was around 10 years.

To be thrown out of a car and left alone does something to a child. I felt utterly unloved.

In addition, all her abuse towards me completely numbed all my feelings for her.

As I was thinking at this episode, I suddenly remembered that through all the abuse I didn’t cried - (nor did I tell anyone about the abuse until I became a teenager). And I wondered why it was so.

Then it hit me.

I had to fight to survive. To cry and break down would just not help me anything. I had to try to stay strong even though I felt really, really sad on the inside. And I could not give her the pleasure of seing me hurt and broken, then she would just rub her hands in victory. And I could not afford that in order to survive.

It was the same for my older brother. He was a very angry child. And he took it out on me. Always angry and hitting me whenever it pleased him. It was his way of letting out all the anger he had on the inside because of the abuse he got.

-Liv