Is it my fault??

It was my fault that she took my money. At least that was what she said to me....

The school was closed for a week, and I had planned to travel to my friend Heidi, and I was really looking forward to it.

I walked in to the bank to take out the money I had in my account. It would be enough to pay for the trip, and then I would have some left for food.

The lady behind the counter received the slip with the amount that I wanted to withdraw.

- It doesn't look like you have $75 in your account, she said looking at me.

- I don't?

- But I know I have this amount in my account, I said to her.

I couldn't understand. I knew exactly how much money I had in my account.

It wasn’t much, just some pocketmoney I got by working every other weekend at the gas station.

She looked a little closer, then said;

- I can see that there has been a withdrawal of $45 by your parent. Because of your age, your parents have access to your account.

So that was the reason!

Karen had taken them, and she hadn’t said a word to me about it.

I withdrew the $30 that was left in my account, and walked out. I was extremely frustrated and angry.

For the first time in my life I felt really, really angry with her.

A lot of thoughts flew through my mind.

Why has she taken the money?

I never get any money from her!

I work hard so I can have just a little money, and then she just takes them!

And just when I really needed them too.

That woman is trying to stop me from going!

She knew my trip to Heidi would include going to Church - and for an unknown reason she hated that.

Now I wasn't sure if I had enough money to pay for the trip.

_______

- Give me back my money! I worked hard for them!

The words just flew out of my mouth as soon as I met her.

- You used the phone too much this month, so I took them to pay the bill, she said in her usual cold tone.

- What!?

- That is my money! Give me my money! I need them for my trip to Heidi.

I was really angry, and she noticed it.

She seemed a bit unsure how to respond to me. She had never seen me this angry.

But no matter how much I argued, she still refused to return the money to me.

And in the end I had to give up. I had put up my strongest fight ever, but she was just too strong for me.

Even though she refused to return the money, I refused to let her stop me from going. The $30 was enough to pay for the trip but not for food.

I was so upset that she finally agreed to drive me to the boat. I could barely believe it.

I was too young to understand that by driving me there she had no remorse. It was a tactic to get me to calm down, and get me off her back.

I was still a bit angry when she let me off.

I found myself a seat in the boat, and then I counted the money again. I only had a little money left after paying for the tickets. Maybe enough for a couple of chocolates.

_______

I just loved the time away.

Peace and quiet from all abuse.

Heidi’s mother kindly offered me free food, and I was really thankful. If she hadn’t, I would have been very hungry.

The Church Heidi went to had a special conference week, with meetings every day, which I happily participated in.

I seeked God earnestly from my whole heart, because I felt He was my only helper in this world.

One evening they invited people forward for prayer. I can’t remember for what, but I always needed prayer, so I walked up to the front.

The assistant pastor prayed for me. I could feel God’s presence very strongly.

While he was praying, he said:

- It’s not your fault.

I was like a sponge absobing his words, and I immediatly connected the dots.

Not my fault.

Tears started running down my cheeks.

All the guilt I carried as a heavy load, was not for me to carry.

I had always felt that it was my fault that my family was such a bad family.

That something I did, made me deserve being pecked on every day.

Like using the phone too much, being too rebellious, and then I didn’t bake the cake the right way either.

My very existence, was that my fault too?

God wanted me to understand that it was not my fault at all, it was Karen’s.

And for the very first time in my life I realised that.

God was interested in my life even though I was only 16 years old. He wanted to help me. That was something I had noticed many times and I was so glad He helped me again - showing me this.

I left the Church that night a bit lighter than when I came.

As for the money - I never saw them again, but I saw something much more important;

Nothing was my fault, and I started to understand that there was something very sick with that woman.

______________________________________________________

This is an episode that I have carried with me in particular.

I believe there is one thing that a child or a victim of a psychopath suffers a lot from - and that is guilt.

Is it me?

Is it something I did that is the reason that she is being angry with me all the time?

She was an expert critiziser.

It was programmed in to my very system from a very young age - that everything was my fault.

If you have been through the same, I have a message for you:

It’s not your fault!

- Liv

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