How I finally broke free from the psychopath's grip.

The day I decided to leave home my shoes were gone....

I was sitting at a table in the auditorium of my high school. It was June 1991, and the school year was over with the summer break ahead. I was looking at my grades from my first year. It was really depressing.

I had always been doing well at school. My dad Torleiv, always praised my results, and he was so proud of me for getting good grades.

But high school was tough. It was so much pressure and I struggled to find the extra strength needed to concentrate well, when I also had to handle an increasingly malicious mother at home.

I felt like all I did was study, study, study, but still my grades went down from very good to just average. I almost wanted to cry.

I felt so depressed. I had really looked forward to study music in high school, but nothing had turned out as I had hoped. In addition my friend Stine who didn’t study music told me I had gotten the “look” over me.

-What look? I asked her.

-Well, the look those who studies music have. You all have this “special look”, she explained to me.

It scared me!

I knew what she meant. All we had in our mind, was music from morning to night and we hung together almost like a sect. It was close to becoming kind of a religion to me. To be a musician. I knew I didn’t want to go down that road, because it would draw me away from God.

I had been thinking a while about quitting and go to bible school instead. I didn’t enjoy high school, and when I saw my grades, it was kind of the last drop for me.

As I walked out of the school and down the stairs, I kind of said goodbye on the inside. I think I won’t come back. It was bittersweet though, because I had enjoyed singing Mendelssohn’s Elijah in the high school choir, and playing classical pieces together with my classmates on my brand new clarinet.

Later I was sitting at my white desk in my bedroom. I had just filled in the application paper to the bible school, and decided to put it in my drawer until I could send it.

My friend Heidi ,who had already finished the first year of bible school said she would look after a place that we could rent together, and it seemed like a great idea to me.

During the summer break, which lasted around eight weeks, I would work on a gas station and make some extra money, and then I would head for the bible school in August. I could continue my education after bible school. Life wasn’t over just because I took a break.

In my independent mind I had the plan ready, but there was just one minor detail in my plan that I had missed…

Karen!

When she found out, she was furious. She followed after me in to my bedroom while I tried to get away from her yelling.

-You are not allowed to go to bible school! I will not allow you!

I looked at her while she gave me a hailstorm of yelling.

-You are not allowed. You are only seventeen, and still underage. I‘ve said no!

She was so hard, and her eyes were so cold.

Why was she going after me in this way? As if I was a threat to her Royal Kingdom or something. Couldn’t she just leave me alone? And was it true? Could she forbid me? I sighed and didn’t know what to think.

It was a relief to hop on my bike and pedal to work at the gas station. Half an hour biking with plenty of fresh air to my battered brain. A welcome break from the terror woman at home.

Unfortunately for me, Karen was on a mission to break me to pieces completely this summer. Because if I managed to break lose, what would the consequences be?

She would lose control over me, and that could just not happen.

Again and again, she had a go at me, and I truly felt as if I was fighting for my life. It was the worst summer ever. I started to feel so weighed down and thoughts of giving up already played in my mind.

I better get that application posted before I give up, I thought to myself. So I opened the drawer in my bedroom to pick up my bible school application.

But it was gone!

I immediately understood that Karen had something to do with this.

And Karen of course knew.

-I ripped it to pieces and threw it. You are not going, because I have said no! She seemed so pleased with herself.

I sighed. That was it! I gave up, my plans were over! There would be no bible school for me after all. I would just have to go back to high school.

But God had other plans…

Some days later the phone rang, and I was all alone in the house. I hurried out in the pine panelled hallway and answered. It was my friend Heidi.

-Hi, I think I might have found the place that we can rent. It is perfect for students and only 10 minutes from the bibleschool, she told me excitedly.

-Well, that’s nice, I replied.

- But I am not going. I am not allowed. Karen has forbidden me because I am only seventeen.

-Not going? But you can’t give up now. Heidi tried to put some guts in to me.

-She is terrorising me every day, besides she tore my application to pieces and threw it in the bin, so I have given up and will go back to high school in August.

But Heidi had no plans to give up on me. She talked and talked until I slowly felt my will returning. Step by step I stood up on the inside again. Heidi didn’t stop speaking, until I decided to not give up.

What was I thinking? Should this woman stop me?

Never!

There on the phone with Heidi I did what I call a rock hard decision;

I would go to the bible school, and not even all the Karens in this world, would be able to stop me!

When I hung up I was determined like never before.

The day had arrived. I hadn’t taken me long to pack my gym bag. It wasn’t much, but I planned to come back in the autumn break and get some more stuff.

I had asked Mrs. Larsen if I could travel with them the three hour trip to the small town where the bibleschool was. She was driving her own two daughters and one of her sons, and there was plenty of space in the old ten seater VW minibus. She said she would pick me up.

Karen knew my plans, but she was strangely quiet. It was a bit odd though, but I didn’t mind. Peace and quiet were sparse, and for whatever reason, she took a break from yelling this day.

Karen left the house half an hour before Mrs. Larsen would pick me up. It would give me time alone to prepare the last things, without her being around and try to stop me.

I took my bag out in the hallway, and put my jacket on. Then I needed to find the best suitable shoes to wear. Mrs. Larsen would arrive any minute.

I looked around… where were my shoes? They were not in the usual place.

I opened the hall wardrobe. In here maybe? No…

Maybe out in the small entrance hall? ...No, not there either…

Then it suddenly dawned on me…

Oh noo!

Karen has taken away all my shoes, and hid them. I could not believe it. That was why she was so quiet. I bet she is so pleased with herself now.

Well if she thinks she can stop me, she has chosen the wrong person. I will walk out without shoes and Mrs. Larsen will notice for sure.

Mrs. Larsen had arrived outside. She honked.

I decided to take a last look into the hall wardrobe, before walking out in my socks. Hey wait! What did I spot?

Well hidden, behind the others shoes was a pair of old worn out sailor shoes with a beginning hole. Because of their condition I never used them anymore. It was better than nothing. I quickly put them on and walked out the door.

As I walked down the stairs and over to the minibus in my worn out shoes, I could hardly wait for the future. I already felt happier, with my gym bag on my shoulder as I climbed in to the old brown VW bus and into my new future without Karen’s abuse.

-Liv

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For you that are new to my substack, thank you for signing up.

If you have not read any of my former posts, I am just telling my story about how it was to grow up with a psychopath.

The psychopath is my biological mother, but I just call her Karen. ( Not her real name)

I hope you find my posts of help, but most of all I hope you see that even if life is not fair, God is our helper if we let Him help us.